


The cards we’ve been dealt (I know that it breaks your heart)

by targaryen_melodrama



Series: Only human (You and me could make it rain) [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Established Relationship, Ficlet, Grief/Mourning, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, POV Sam Wilson, Unrequited Love, straddling that ficlet drabble line
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-03
Updated: 2019-04-03
Packaged: 2020-01-01 08:51:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 487
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18332708
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/targaryen_melodrama/pseuds/targaryen_melodrama
Summary: Sam wakes up choking, shame weighing heavy on his tongue.“Same dream?”“Same dream,” he admits, though he wishes he didn’t have to. It doesn’t do anything but hurt them both.





	The cards we’ve been dealt (I know that it breaks your heart)

Sam wakes up choking, shame weighing heavy on his tongue, its rotten taste overwhelming his mouth.

It tastes rotten, feels heavy and incredibly bitter, especially when cold, familiar fingers press lightly on his hip, in a small but oh so needed reminder that Sam’s not alone.

Sam doesn’t deserve him.

Not because Bucky’s been through enough trauma to consume the strongest people he knows. Not because he’s considerate, honest and sweet. Not because he’d destroy anything or anyone that would harm Sam before Sam could even realize he was in danger.

“Same dream?”

No, Sam feels like he doesn’t deserve Bucky despite Bucky’s reassurances, despite his therapist’s words and despite Sam’s own knowledge that he’s a pretty decent guy. Because it’s been two months since the events of Wakanda, a month since he and Bucky moved in together, and a week since they’ve been back in the field and there hasn’t been a night Sam didn’t wake up calling Steve’s name.

“Same dream,” Sam admits, though he wishes he didn’t have to. It doesn’t do anything but hurt them both. “I...Bucky. I—”

“’S okay, sweetheart.” _But it isn’t_. “I’m right here.” _But you aren’t_.

Bucky had spent decades hiding his emotions and pain to survive, but they’d known each other—intimately—for three years now. Everyone has tells, and Sam is observant for a living.

Bucky withdraws. More and more everyday; he leaves the room without moving an inch, his eyes in a way emptier than they were when he was the Soldier.

He neglects himself. Only eats enough to satisfy Sam. Other than that, he’ll put himself at Sam’s service like he isn’t grieving too, like he’s not struggling enough without Sam dreaming about giving his love to a man who didn’t love him back.

Well, that’s not completely true.

_I love you, Sam. Always will. Just not...not like that._

“Bucky.”

“What do you need?”

 _I need you to talk to me. I need you to be selfish. I need you to be mad, to say_ something _._

_I need you to forgive me._

“You. Just you.”

As he does every night, Bucky wraps his arms around Sam. It’s usually enough, but Bucky’s shoulders are tense, his heart is beating much faster than usual, and Sam might not have the words, he might never, but he needs to do something.

He turns in Bucky’s arms, looks up into startled and unsure grey eyes.

Words are stuck in Sam’s throat and even if he spoke them, Bucky wouldn’t understand that they’re meant for him, that they’ve always been meant for him.

So instead of opening his mouth and letting his grief-stained voice further disturb Bucky, Sam reaches down, grabs cold metal fingers and lays slow, soft kisses on each finger, and hopes he’s conveyed everything he can’t say.

 _I’m sorry._  
_You’re the one I love._  
_You mean the world to me._  
_Thank you._  
_I love you._

**Author's Note:**

> I heard ghostin by Ariana Grande (where the title of the fic is from) for the first time two days ago and it kinda broke my heart, so of course the next logical step was to figure out how it would work for SamSteve and/or SamBucky. 
> 
> I am on [Tumblr](http://targaryenmelodrama.tumblr.com) if you wanna drop by!
> 
> Hope you enjoyed, feel free to leave comments!


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